sometimes i have these ideas that are pretty terrible in practice but also really movie style drama badass in theory and then i have a huge internal debate over whether or not to go through with them
last weekend another kid from my hometown died
in another vehicle related accident.
i’ve lost track of the body count but they’re piling higher than my anxiety and
does this keep happening?
every single time it’s the same sad course of events.
for a week or maybe two
the social media sob stories inundate the internet
washing away all the details other than
“how great of a person he was”
“how much she will always mean to me”
“you will never leave my mind”
“i’ll think about you every day”
it’s all just a sea of self-serving bullshit.
your facebook friends are not impressed by your new profile picture
from five years ago because it features the victim.
your paragraph status update of all the wonderful memories
you’ll forever cherish with the deceased
will not win you any trophies.
don’t forget to post on the families’ walls about how
you’re there if they ever need anything;
i’m sure they’ll call you up to cry on your shoulder when
you haven’t spoken in years.
can you all stop pretending you give a fuck?
sooner rather than later
all you attention grabbing vultures will fly south for the winter
to pick at the remains of whatever shallow carcus
you can sink your claws into.
the buried body will be nothing more than a fleeting memory,
passing in faster rotation through your tiny mind
than next week’s hit radio single.
it’s often hard to tell which is quicker to be laid to rest.
it’s been nearly two years since my sister’s death.
there are about five people left who are still impacted
as much as if it were day one.
i can’t get into my car anymore without saying
a tiny silent prayer to myself that
“please god don’t let me get into an accident today,
i don’t think my mom could handle losing another child.”
but more accidents keep happening
and more children keep dying
and more people keep claiming they care
while nobody learns a goddamn thing.
that kid should still be alive.
his brother should not be walking through the same fire
that has scorched the soles of my feet for the past
twenty-three months and his family should not
have the burden of burying a seventeen year old boy.
with him in mind i beg all of you to
stop spinning your fairy tales of a life-changing tragedy
unless these events actually cause you to alter the carelessness with which
you carry yourselves.
if these people mean so much to you,
keep them close in your hearts or be buried beside them.
apparently i got second place in a poetry contest at my school
that $50 prize is really gonna help offset my tuition am i right
ew are those feelings someone get the disinfectant
i was up to my old tricks this afternoon
but they didn’t bring me the same temporary relief that they used to
not the city streets or the circle or even the clock tower
could make me feel any better today.
i walked around with a five minute burning sense of pseudo security
tucked behind my ear
half praying that it would fall before
i had the chance to strike a match or
set fire to the whole thing
but as i felt it slip from its resting place
and fall to the ground
i instantly wished for it back
like a child who’s outgrown his old toys
but can’t bear to see them
in the hands of another.
i’m waiting for you to realize
you don’t have
“i’m waiting for you to realize you don’t like me.”
i want to hang out with you today but i’m also really nervous to be around you especially alone so i’ll just not text you like i know i should and spend the rest of the day in bed with netflix
when someone you love dies, a part of you is buried with them.
one day early, my resurrected missing piece
found me at the back of a long funeral procession.
how to walk through that pseudo-home again
without imagining her
a ghost in an empty old couch?
a face in a photograph of another family’s memory?
without imagining her
the body in the open casket?
i was supposed to be there to support my friend,
but instead i fell back a year and a half,
standing where he now stood,
trying to bring back the dead and realizing that
i was the only ghost in the room.